Today I had scheduled another EMDR session. Lets just say that I don’t look forward to these very much, I’ve been going into them usually feeling okay and coming out feeling pretty beat down. They are difficult, they are confusing, they are deprogramming me and we’re making progress. Thus, I get up in the morning and do my thing and when its time I head over to the clinic to get my head screwed on straight.
I think this introduction can partially account for my freak fest yesterday evening. Yesterday was a hard day. I had lots of symptoms, seemingly coming out of nowhere. I’m still looking for a cause that I can point to, put my finger on, and push back. Something that I can have surgically removed or irradiated or simply squished. A cause that’s physical in other words, because this recognition that at least some of my problems are because my head is broken sort of leaves me with this sense that I’m a lesser kind of person. Or that I don’t have the moxie that everyone else around me seems to have.
Thus the freakout, that was me grasping for a different cause because I don’t like to recognize the one I’ve been given. Now, the reality check is done; its written down so I can move along. Maybe manipulation of these pixels will also help cement this reality into my perception and eventually I’ll get over the notion that it makes me a broken person.
This morning started off really well. Aral woke up bright and early and the two of us loaded up the long tail and buggy and headed for the coffee shop. I had a little dizziness, but I also didn’t sleep very well. I think I had some memory issues too because as I write I’m sort of forgetting the middle part. The ride there was good though, and the way home went well too.
We ended up spending some time at the park after coffee and our friends Nate and Rita were there too with a litter of five Australian Shepards. The were soft, Aral played with them for a while before compelling as many people as he could heard to the swings. When that was over we headed back to the house, I handed him over to Tess for a bit and headed over to the clinic.
I guess I can’t really write about that. When I try to think about the therapy session I feel acutely dizzy and even a little shaky. She spent a good deal of time reinforcing the idea that I should only process that mess there and recommended that I take it easy today and tomorrow. Work on meditation, find my safe place, whatever; just remain calm and let that junk stay out of my life. And that’s what we’re doing too; often I feel like I’m on a train passing those moments in my life. The good news is that I get to choose the scenery.
When I got back home I felt pretty beaten. I took over Aral care and we played for a while. After lunch he was very ready for a nap and I wasn’t sure I could make it up the stairs to nap with him. Fortunately I did, we both fell asleep and slept a good three plus hours. When we woke up, conveniently at about the same time, both of us had a lot more energy.
We loaded back up into the bike and headed out to Van Tuyl loop where we did some exploring for a while by the river. I’m more or less just tag along and make sure Aral doesn’t get in over his head. We tossed rocks in the river, crawled through the tall grass and did boy things that result in stain removal compounds needing to be applied before laundry activity.
As we played the afternoon thunder showers started to creep up on us. I snapped a photo about five minutes before the first drops started to fall. They were big heavy drops too, the kind that smack into your head hard enough you sort of hear them in your skull.
I scooped up Aral and got him inside his buggy. This is super nice because he stayed completely dry. I then put my rain jacket on and mounted up. The rain was chilly on my back and arms and my pants, which are now way too big for me, got really wet. Rain soaked my face pretty well too. It felt cold and wonderful.
We rode home and Tess had started dinner. Right now I’m feeling dizziness and trying to relax and recall the good bits.