Why so quiet?

Heyya friends,

This is a broad and potentially ranging post, but it should cover all our bases. At the end of last month, I experienced some sort of neurological event. I’ve been in and out of the ER now, probably more than met the annual deductible for our family, and, wow, still have no diagnosis.

Add to that heaping pile, I’m experiencing a problem with my speech. Aphasia, I can read, write and understand pretty much everything, but my mouth is having a difficult time making the words.

Yes, there are precursors of this issue in my writing. I’ve never been able to spell, and sometimes my mind sort of goes blank in the composition of a sentence or word and what comes out is a jumble of jibberish. Anyone who’s ever taken the time to edit for me knows this all too well. Thank the gods above for editors.

And yes, I’m way behind on my writing goals for the year. Go figure.




This morning over tea my wife and I clicked through a new life insurance policy questionnaire. She has meant to increase her level of coverage because what her job offers wouldn’t be a flash in the pan if she left us. I’ve been avoiding the conversation for all the usual reasons.

I’m loathed to consider my own demise. I’m even more frightened at the thought of the death of people I love. I’m afraid enough that I’ve never really bothered to name these fears.

And so here we are. What this blog seems to be to me is a crossroads, a place of decisions.

“Fear not death for the hour of your doom is set and none may escape it.”

― Volunga Saga

I’ve been reading (with my ears) the Saxon Chronicles by Bernard Cornwell. I’ve admired his protagonist Uhtred of Bebbanburg because of his unshakable belief in fate. Right now I’m on the second to the last book in the series, and even though Uhtred is an “old” man, by the standards of the time, he still feels the weavers’ hands on his thread. His faith in the Norns frees him to focus on whatever is before him. He is undistracted, always sharp, relentlessly moving through his own life with singular purpose.

“Destiny is all, Ravn liked to tell me, destiny is everything. He would even say it in English, “Wyrd biõ ful ãræd.”
― Bernard CornwellThe Last Kingdom

I find myself wanting for that surety.

I also marvel at the Cornwell’s voice. How he deftly transports his reader into his Uhtred’s vision of the world. Past the moral ambiguity of his actions and into the faith that the Fates weave his future. Yes, I love his action scenes. Sure enough, I feel my heart pound and my fires are stoked when Uhtred stands in the shield wall or when he faces Ubba beyond the hazel bows I feel his singular focus and the accomplishment of his victory. Cornwell is a master of character. Even when Uhtred is beset by ambiguity, self-doubt, or worse remorse Cornwell finds the way back to certainty. “I touched Thor’s Hammer,” and suddenly we know that Ginnungagap will consume all, the only thing that matters is what lies before us. The enemy beyond the iron clad edge of an ash shield.

“I touched Thor’s hammer, then Serpent-Breath’s hilt, for death was stalking us. God help me, I thought, touching the hammer again, Thor help us all, for I did not think we could win.”
― Bernard CornwellThe Pale Horseman

My fears? They are nothing other than the usual. Helplessness, loss, grief, oblivion; add to this I lack faith, there is no eternal Hall waiting for me when I die. Despite this I know there is the Ginnungagap and so I narrow my gaze and touch the hilt of my sword.



Inspired by a couple of other artists who’ve used the new year as an excuse to put some polish on their Patreons I’ve done the same. It’s an imperfect system, sure, and there’s every possibility that the company will again pull the carpet from underneath creators, but it is also a direct line to readers. Add to this that there doesn’t seem to be any other similar platform my choice is easy.

Income from writing is excellent. However, that’s not really the point. This year what I’m much more focused on is finding people who are willing to give me some of their interest. Since leaving my comfortable salary position back in 2013, I’ve made about as much forward progress as I can manage on my own. I need some outside direction, someone standing in the audience who can tell me when I’m missing my marks. That’s why I’m going back to Patreon. I’d love to see 100 $1 supporters, all with strong opinions.

Over the past five years, I’ve been lucky. A handful of my stories have been published in some small press locations. Reviews, even the negative ones, have become a sort of ambrosia. By completing that feedback loop, they feed me.

In the same way that applying to Clarion West will allow me to leverage my desire for that validation while becoming a better writer, Patreon will be another avenue to reach readers. I’ve just got hustle a little harder to make it work.

“When the situation is hopeless”

“When the situation is hopeless, there’s nothing to worry about.” Perhaps, no finer more farseeing words exited the pen of Edward Abbey. Were he clairvoyant, I’d like to imagine that he was looking into his crystal and seeing the entirety of 2017. Four nuclear powers pointing missiles at the US, a cartoonishly ignorant power monger at the top, and who could forget his herd of self-serving oligarchs eagerly sniffing each and every pile he drops in the hopes of coprophagic satisfaction.

For me personally, things haven’t been much better. This year I struggled with universal rejection, hardware failure, and a double helping of pneumonia. In fact, we’re ending the old year pretty much as we began it, mild secondary infection threatening to take over.

But, I ran across this bit of wisdom this morning. Chuck Wendig’s twitter thread is worthy of eye time, but the gist of it is contained neatly in this bit below.

So, without further adieu, let us proceed into the new year without self-doubt.

A Summary


Not a great year for me, not even a good year, but let’s examine the better bits. First, all of the rights for short stories save LUMP that I’ve written for Samuel Peralta’s Chronicles series have now reverted. LUMP will never revert, as it’s part of a Kindle Worlds series, so don’t hold your breath if you think I’ll release this one as a sci-fi snack. Just belly up to the bar and plonk down your hard earned cash ($3.99 USD). The rest are mine and given the opportunity and some retooling may become part of an anthology. So yeah, right!

Word count wise 2017 was a box of rocks. Not including this gem, I’m standing tall on 40k and change. I know I’m not counting a bunch of things I have written this year, namely all that stuff I banged out on my phone during my summer long laptop free period, but honestly, there’s not an easy way to count those so they’re lost. Let’s move along.

I have spent some quality time retooling. I hired Crystal Watanabe to look at “Ser Pan Comido” from Galaxy Chronicles. I’ve got her notes and have been thinking about what to do with this story.

Finally, I’ve let my writing discipline become soft. This is my own damn fault and furthermore, I’m the only one who can fix it. Instead of writing every morning, I’ve gone weeks at a time without sitting down for some wordsmithing. The longer you don’t exercise that part of your brain, the harder it becomes to exercise that part of your brain. I can attempt to solve this with equal parts better sleep hygiene and consistent scheduling.


This year I have actually read a metric crap-tonne, although you wouldn’t know it if you followed my statistics on Goodreads. Lots of magazines (High Country Times, Mother Jones, and of course plenty of running and trail nosh), plus a fair amount of books from the library. Right now I’m creeping through the complete works of Colin Fletcher and earlier this year I focused on Jack London. Add to that stack new releases by a bunch of SFF authors who I follow and that pile of paper is starting to look substantial. I guess I’ve needed an outlet.


Ouch! This year has been a struggle. Admittedly, I haven’t made it much better for myself. The big reveal happened this autumn when we determined, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am now allergic to wheat. While this has all but eliminated cookies from my diet, I am learning to live with it. My weight has stayed steady at about 190 lbs (86.5 kg to be exact), but relative to my goals going into the year that’s an unacceptable outcome. Okay, I can cut myself some slack here. Two pneumonia infections and a summer of smoke made breathing a challenge and that’s one of those necessary components of any exercise program. My diet isn’t … bad. It could be better, but there are plans.


Yep, I’m still making buttkiss for income. This year my expenditures will far exceed my income. I could take this as a reason to feel self-doubt, and in fact, I have felt this way, but today? I’m feeling like fuck that shit. On the positive side of things, I am rid of the Prius. The great soulless elephant of this modern age, an icon of my liberal guilt, has moved on to a new owner, someone I can hope commutes to and fro on a daily basis. I’m running bio-diesel and while the Delica isn’t nearly as fuel friendly it also won’t tie me to a tremendous debt. Next year I’ll be able to knock out much of what I owe to The Man while simultaneously going on trips into the Cascades and beyond. While I am still a grateful dependent, the bar to self-sufficiency had been lowered.


My chief concern this year has been my ever-suffering wife Tess. Aral and Justin seem to be doing well, growing and exploring, seeking adventure, looking to the future, acting on civility and that means I’ve been a successful parent. But I worry that I’m not nearly as socko when it comes to supporting her. I need to sit down and think about what I can do to become a more effective partner. I know, I need to become healthier so that I can complete projects and general maintenance, but beyond that, I’m going to need to acknowledge my shortcomings.

What to Expect


  • I’m going to rewrite Fire Weather from scratch. Yep, the concept is sound, but the first draft is rough. Its edges are so sharp that every time I review the manuscript thinking I’m going to rework what’s there I come away bleeding. So, 70k words for the waste bin and do again
  • I’m going to apply to Clarion West. I’ve already assembled my application packet and the only thing preventing me from sending it away is that tiny bit of lingering self-doubt that it’s not good enough to get in. You throw the dice, you hope for the best
  • I’m going to write three new short stories in 2018. All three of these will be extensions of my GOAT character Murray Biyaal
  • I will investigate going back to school and potentially apply to University
  • I will hire an editor and develop a long-term relationship with the same
  • Write and publish five ultralight backpacking articles


  • Finish re-reading the Colin Fletcher bibliography
  • Re-read the Edward Abbey bibliography including the semi-autobiographical stuff
  • Re-read METAtropolis series of anthologies
  • Read Terry Tempts Williams’ longer works
  • Read the complete works of Wallace Stegner
  • Renew my commitment to the discipline of writing


  • Two significant bicycle tours
  • Walk every day!
  • Backpack the Wonderland Trail
  • As much backpacking elsewhere as I can reasonably cram into my life, including overnighters.
  • Walk some more, much more!
  • Lose some weight
  • Continue not eating wheat despite feeling like an annoying cur each and every time I look at a menu


  • Finish the projects which obscure my house
  • Figure out a way to take a vacation WITH JUST MY WIFE!
  • Find new and interesting ways to be involved in Aral and Justin’s educations
  • Play significantly less HOTS, use that surplus time to focus in on my family
  • Restart reading aloud at night ritual with my family
  • Disengage from social media that neither informs or improves me


  • Use my van for the reason I brought it to North American from Japan. Use it!
  • Rebuild my backpacking kit a skill set so that I can get out on the trail
  • Get permitted for Wonderland
  • Look at some PCT section hikes and both Lost and First Coast hikes
  • Fill up my Instagram account with lots of new images from all my travels

Okay, so I’ve raised the annual cairn. I’ve looked back down that path as it crossed a clearcut of a year as honestly as I dare. While not perfect, it’s a distance that’s been traversed. My head is clear and I’ve laid out where I intend to go next year. Whatever your plans for the new year, I wish you the best of luck.


I can’t let this slide anymore, nope, not going to do it. Seriously, is the pantry of Xmas songs so picked over that we have no other choice? Since the season rolled over me like an elephant in bed and commercial establishments began playing themed music I’ve heard plenty of annoying stuff. Everything from that sparkly, jazz-hands rendition of Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite that gets more airtime from its grave than an extra crawling across a set on The Walking Dead to the creepier version of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” featuring Michael Buble, I’ve grudgingly endured them all. But if I know anything, the one place Leonard Cohen’s classic existential crisis “Hallelujah” does not belong, it’s in anyone’s festive Xmas mix.

Apparently, the A cappella band Pentatonix coopted the song sometime last year, and some flunky of an audio engineer saw fit to slap lyrics “All I’ve ever learned from love/ Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you” rendered large and in a major key across everyone’s generic, seasonably mandated musical consciousness. What’s next? Black Flag sings “Jingle Bells” or maybe the holiday remix of Drowning Pool’s “Bodies?”

Sony AUX-AX100 Installation

I should preface this by saying that it’s not completed yet, but I’ve mostly installed the new stereo head unit in my 1991 Mitsubishi Delica Chamonix. This whole thing turned into a bit of a wiring nightmare which is why it took me so darn long to finish up. Well, that and the fact that I decided to wait for installation of several elements until I get an intact windshield back in the van.

What Was I Dealing With?

So the van came from Japan with a karaoke machine and a TV installed. All of these electronics were vintage 1990’s junk that could only work in Japan (Japanese radio and TV stations transmit within a sperate frequency set) and I’m pretty certain that most of it was in questionable condition regardless. Consequently, my first task was to rip all that junk out of the dash. And, well pretty much the rest of the van too (the TV was wired to the back as well the microphone for the karaoke machine and a bunch of tuner equipment).

I pulled most of this wiring in about a day of diligently unscrewing headliner and lifting carpets. There are still a couple of things I’m going to need to return to once all this is complete. Primarily, the diesel-timer (a common device used for slowly cooling diesel engine after you cut the ignition) and a bunch of early 90’s lighting, but the entertainment harness, all the way to the fuse box, has been cleaned and uninsulated wire (of which there was much) has been replaced.

next came manual mapping of the harness. This took me a good long time and then was complicated by the fact that I reverse the order of the wiring on the stereo side. Oops! Eventually, I ended up double checking my map and then writing the pinouts on both sides of the harness with a permanent marker. My flawed wiring was immediately obvious then so when I rewired the stereo side everything began working.

What’s Left to Do?

The backup camera and the dash cam, on hard-wired power, need to be installed. Also, I’ve purchased a USB harness that will fit flush in the dash. That’s going to take some cutting to get it in there right, but shouldn’t be that difficult.

As soon as I get the van back I’m going to replace all the interior lighting with LED equivalents. I’ll need to completely take apart the dash this time to make this happen, but since most of the existing bulb died back in 1997, it’s a project long overdue.

I *may* spin up a second project from this to reprint the speedo template with KPH and MPH (right now it’s all metric). Given that I’ve gotten pretty good and doing the conversion math in my head it’s not necessary, but I also think I’d prefer a white background on the dash instead of the stock black.

Right now the van is with the auto body shop. Once they’re finished fixing the paint, roof, and windshield I’ll complete the electronics package installation.


I just spent an hour wandering around one of the many island beaches we have here on Vashon taking pictures and wallowing in the autumn weather. Thick gray clouds, chilly air and the umami scent of big leaf maple detritus decomposing. Consequently, I’ve got sand in my shoes and a song in my heart.